I have spent more than half of my life studying psychology, trying to understand my own human psyche, as well as those around me. The Existential psychologist nailed it when they identified the existential crisis as one of the pathologies that rules the human psyche. I have noted that people including myself take on various spiritually pathological behaviors to avoid being alone. We create roles that are not fitting to own true essence, we refuse to say no to others, we try to transform ourselves into an idealized version of being the perfect spouse, child, sibling, friend, or employee that will be found “indispensable”. We fail to speak out or take actions to protect ourselves or others from insidious attacks. And we do these behaviors all in the effort to maintain some sort of “communal oneness” with others, however destructive that communal fellowship may be.
My question to myself and others is how much of ourselves do we sacrifice in our effort to maintain human contact? What are the boundaries between becoming a narcissist versus a dependent wimp? The narcissist seeing only their self-interest and the dependent wimp allowing themselves to be exploited, taken advantage of, or continuously trying to transform themselves into a creature of perfection? Do we not becoming the “walking dead” in our efforts to avoid being alone? I know myself that I have maintained relationships that are toxic to fit into the social boundaries of acceptance, meanwhile numbing the pain through various means. As I have caught myself becoming a “walking dead”, I realized that although I was physically surrounded by people, I had actually suffocated myself in trying to transform into what I thought they needed me to be. My incessant fear of being alone had transformed me into a person that was devoid of my own personal essence, and I had become only a shiny image created to attract superficial human companionship. In the end, I found myself fulfilling my own worst prophecy by my own diligence to avoid being alone. I had separated and closed off the various parts of “me”, quieting my inner voice that is in reality my only true companion through life.